Am I loosing it?

I’m breaking out!
My nails are chipping and my hair is falling out! Not to mention I’m going grey!
I’m falling apart!

I’ve been angry and moody for several months now, nothing in my life seems to be working out. And although my problems are quite insignificant compared to our current world issues, this is still my life and I somehow have to love to live it.

I live at home with my mom and brother. It drives me crazy and feeds my insanity. My attitude has down right shifted and I’ve become a complete bitch, especially to my mother. Probably because I know I can and no matter what, I know she will never turn her back. But what if she weren’t here? What if suddenly I lost her? Is this reason enough for me to rethink my words and actions? How do I shake this colossal bitchness off my shoulders?

Every chance I get I try to break out of my shell, and every time an obstacle stands in my way. Is this some kind of test, trying to see how much I can take?

Although my house is my space, it’s really not. I’m confined to my room most of the time, it’s where I can close the door and be quiet with my own endless thoughts. I live in a suburban city and don’t own my own vehicle. Another blow to the head. I’m forced to run on other peoples schedules. Plans come up, things need to get done and before I can even begin to put underwear on I have to go through a handful of people, train or bus schedules and time frames before I can sanely start to get ready. But by that time I’m sweating and need another shower from all the anxiety. It’s frustrating, I’m way to independent to depend on every one and every thing else in order to function. It stresses me out! So much so that it makes me cry.

I just want to live on my own time.

Oh yeah! And I’m single. Every other Facebook post reminds me. Every few Instagram snapshots remind me and at every family function I am reminded of this. They like to joke and tell me my youngest cousin will be married with kids before me. Until recently, I didn’t care. I mean, besides my frustrations listed above I have it made. I do what I want, when I want without having to check in. I travel, solo and with friends. I spend my own money on the useless things that make me feel good at that moment. I take random road trips, day trips and start hundreds of projects and never finish. I leave a trail of clothing from my bed to the bathroom and sometimes don’t pick them up for days.
But when I see couples, I get chocked up. I think I’m ready for someone in my life, a companion, someone who compliments me and vice versa. I want compromise not sacrifice, I want a best friend.
I guess in order for that to happen I have to fix all that other “important” stuff first.
I often wonder if the reason why I haven’t come across someone compatible is because life knows I’m not fully ready yet.

I don’t want to come across as crazy or suicidal, I’m definitely not. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that feels this way. I simply feel better writing it, so I can see how minimal my problems are. That they’re all capable of change.
Right now I’m not strong enough, I still crave for people’s approval, I still care what others think of me, how I’m perceived. Validation is important. But I know I have to work toward a goal using small steps. Realizing that I live a life for myself, not for anyone else. I have to make choices that lead me toward my personal achievements and goals.

Maybe I’m just a late bloomer, and my life is just beginning.
We created the concept of time. It didn’t give me life and it doesn’t make my heart beat…. so who says that I have to follow that ticking clock.

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Viva Roma!

Nervous beyond belief, I stumble into my tiny hotel room. My mini suitcase hits every corner of the room. As I kick off my shoes and strip off my uniform, I connect to wifi; and send the message. I’m here, I finally made it! Rome!

He’s on his way. In just a few short moments, we’ll reunite. 11 years later. A childhood between cousins broken and separated by the depths of the ocean. And a question that haunts; will this reunion bring us closer together or tear us further apart?

I quickly change, and freshen up after a long overnight flight. I look tired, my skin is flushed. No time to dwell on mediocre observations. I hurry downstairs, and wait patiently with my phone in hand. Who are we kidding, I don’t know what patience is!
Pacing back and forth at the hotels front entrance, sun beaming, the heat is magnificent. I missed it.

I had planned this moment in my head for weeks now, exactly how to act, react and what to do and say when I’d first see him.
And when I finally did, I forgot what I was suppose to remember.

He looks identical to his father; my uncle. Spitting image. When I had left Poland, we were still kids oblivious to what this separation meant. Now, he sure didn’t resemble the little annoying ragrat I used to play with.
In each others embrace, I sensed a sigh of relief. Not only from me, but from him too. For a few moments, silence filled the air. What do you say? How do we begin, after so many years?

And for ten hours straight, we couldn’t stop talking. So many questions, so many answers.
We circled the city maybe 5 times, I really wish I could tell you where exactly we walked but my mind was not paying attention to my surroundings but focused entirely on his stories.
Glossy eyed, reminiscing about our childhoods back home in Poland. That family void I’ve been feeling for years now is beginning to patch up slowly.

He’s everything I was hoping for, our personalities are nearly identical. We talked like we’ve never been apart. I was the happiest at that moment. We’re blood, practically brother and sister. We’re family. Living worlds apart, united by our native tongue.

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