Am I loosing it?

I’m breaking out!
My nails are chipping and my hair is falling out! Not to mention I’m going grey!
I’m falling apart!

I’ve been angry and moody for several months now, nothing in my life seems to be working out. And although my problems are quite insignificant compared to our current world issues, this is still my life and I somehow have to love to live it.

I live at home with my mom and brother. It drives me crazy and feeds my insanity. My attitude has down right shifted and I’ve become a complete bitch, especially to my mother. Probably because I know I can and no matter what, I know she will never turn her back. But what if she weren’t here? What if suddenly I lost her? Is this reason enough for me to rethink my words and actions? How do I shake this colossal bitchness off my shoulders?

Every chance I get I try to break out of my shell, and every time an obstacle stands in my way. Is this some kind of test, trying to see how much I can take?

Although my house is my space, it’s really not. I’m confined to my room most of the time, it’s where I can close the door and be quiet with my own endless thoughts. I live in a suburban city and don’t own my own vehicle. Another blow to the head. I’m forced to run on other peoples schedules. Plans come up, things need to get done and before I can even begin to put underwear on I have to go through a handful of people, train or bus schedules and time frames before I can sanely start to get ready. But by that time I’m sweating and need another shower from all the anxiety. It’s frustrating, I’m way to independent to depend on every one and every thing else in order to function. It stresses me out! So much so that it makes me cry.

I just want to live on my own time.

Oh yeah! And I’m single. Every other Facebook post reminds me. Every few Instagram snapshots remind me and at every family function I am reminded of this. They like to joke and tell me my youngest cousin will be married with kids before me. Until recently, I didn’t care. I mean, besides my frustrations listed above I have it made. I do what I want, when I want without having to check in. I travel, solo and with friends. I spend my own money on the useless things that make me feel good at that moment. I take random road trips, day trips and start hundreds of projects and never finish. I leave a trail of clothing from my bed to the bathroom and sometimes don’t pick them up for days.
But when I see couples, I get chocked up. I think I’m ready for someone in my life, a companion, someone who compliments me and vice versa. I want compromise not sacrifice, I want a best friend.
I guess in order for that to happen I have to fix all that other “important” stuff first.
I often wonder if the reason why I haven’t come across someone compatible is because life knows I’m not fully ready yet.

I don’t want to come across as crazy or suicidal, I’m definitely not. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that feels this way. I simply feel better writing it, so I can see how minimal my problems are. That they’re all capable of change.
Right now I’m not strong enough, I still crave for people’s approval, I still care what others think of me, how I’m perceived. Validation is important. But I know I have to work toward a goal using small steps. Realizing that I live a life for myself, not for anyone else. I have to make choices that lead me toward my personal achievements and goals.

Maybe I’m just a late bloomer, and my life is just beginning.
We created the concept of time. It didn’t give me life and it doesn’t make my heart beat…. so who says that I have to follow that ticking clock.

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Prelude to myself… & a challenge

I have so many entries that are just sitting around waiting to be published. Are they not good enough? Why does it take me so long?

See, the problem is I’m way too critical and indecisive. I have this vision of how I want things laid out, what to follow and which images are most suitable. I guess that’s not really a problem, but it sure becomes one when these visions change more often than I blink. I’m conscious of criticism and judgement. My intuition is crazy accurate; sometimes it scares me. I hate that I care so much about what others think. I mean, why? Why should I care?

This is my life, the thoughts I generate are my own. I form my own opinions, decisions and lifestyle changes. Why should I allow anyone else influence my personal thoughts. If I let that happen does that mean what I do next isn’t really what I want to do?

I battle with myself trying not to slip into a world of controlled societal bliss. On one hand I have my grand plans, things I long for and feel I will accomplish someday when the time is right. On the other, life seems to run away from me looking back pointing fingers and laughing because I can’t seem to catch up.
What if I’m not meant to be where everyone else is at my age? What if life has bigger and better and certainly more exciting plans for me.
I accept this. I accept the fact that despite what I may currently think, I am definitely not the only person with these questions. Nor am I the only one that is thinking about this right at this very moment.

So what’s the secret?
Well that would be no fun.

My right now secret; happy. Just be happy for me.
And the hardest part? Be happy for those around me. Genuinely happy. Understand that I cannot control anyone or anything in this life. I can’t change anyone’s thoughts and decisions. I can only make my own.

I have what I have because I made it happen. If I want more, I will have to achieve that. But for right now, I am happy right where I am. I’m happy that I’m beginning to shape my life the way I want it. I’m not quite at peace with myself, but that is the direction I’m aiming for.

Most of us travel, and we have some great stories. But never one the same. I want to share my travels with you, so I will challenge myself to publish one entry a week from my summer months of 2014.

Ps: Happy Fall!

She was a wild one: Barcelona 1/2

I found this short note in my phone, written on June 29th, 2012

In Barcelona for the third and final time this month. What a way to end June!
After what seemed like a never ending day filled with a couple hundred passengers eager to be on their way, returning home or beginning a new experience. Followed by a quiet bus ride to the hotel, a quick change and a calling hunger; we strolled unknowingly in the direction of the beach. I’ve visited Barcelona leisurely the year before, so some of the surroundings looked familiar. And an overwhelming feeling came over me. How did I get so lucky? To have the chance to visit such amazing cities on numerous occasions. I still don’t believe it.
Sitting at one of my favourite beach bars; Las Vegas on the Barceloneta boardwalk, munching on a fresh pizza and quenching our thirst with Mojitos and cold beer, sharing stories and connecting. Overlooking sand and sea.

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Lying on the beach at 8pm, sun slowly setting behind me. What a view!
Listening to the waves crash against the shore, quietly; no wind to spring them wild.
Sand crunching as I wiggle my toes in what’s known to be the best foot scrub ever. The scent of the sea, the constant waves of cigarette smoke. Laughter and conversation heard from a short distance.
I lay here facing it all, battling my tired eyes, refusing to let them win.
I don’t want to blink, let alone let them snooze. I just don’t want it to end.
I lay here, next to me my coworker. Her eyes have won the battle. She sleeps. Oblivious to the glorious life that surrounds her.
My battle continues as I snap a few keepsakes.

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I’m torn, my head like a bobble head doll. So much is going on, I can’t keep up. I type feverously trying to capture every passing minute. I now know the meaning of ‘words can’t even describe this sight’. I still can’t find appropriate ways to tell you what I’m looking at. In my eyes it’s no longer about what I write, what words I use and how I organize them to form a story. Even if I was a master of the universal dictionary, this would still be as difficult. It is now about capturing the feeling.

The sun has set, the nights chill is approaching. She wakes, and we stroll back to our hotel.

I remember landing in a pile of fluffy white pillows and a comforter that devoured me whole. This time it took me minutes to fall into dreamland instead of the usual tossing and turning.