Am I loosing it?

I’m breaking out!
My nails are chipping and my hair is falling out! Not to mention I’m going grey!
I’m falling apart!

I’ve been angry and moody for several months now, nothing in my life seems to be working out. And although my problems are quite insignificant compared to our current world issues, this is still my life and I somehow have to love to live it.

I live at home with my mom and brother. It drives me crazy and feeds my insanity. My attitude has down right shifted and I’ve become a complete bitch, especially to my mother. Probably because I know I can and no matter what, I know she will never turn her back. But what if she weren’t here? What if suddenly I lost her? Is this reason enough for me to rethink my words and actions? How do I shake this colossal bitchness off my shoulders?

Every chance I get I try to break out of my shell, and every time an obstacle stands in my way. Is this some kind of test, trying to see how much I can take?

Although my house is my space, it’s really not. I’m confined to my room most of the time, it’s where I can close the door and be quiet with my own endless thoughts. I live in a suburban city and don’t own my own vehicle. Another blow to the head. I’m forced to run on other peoples schedules. Plans come up, things need to get done and before I can even begin to put underwear on I have to go through a handful of people, train or bus schedules and time frames before I can sanely start to get ready. But by that time I’m sweating and need another shower from all the anxiety. It’s frustrating, I’m way to independent to depend on every one and every thing else in order to function. It stresses me out! So much so that it makes me cry.

I just want to live on my own time.

Oh yeah! And I’m single. Every other Facebook post reminds me. Every few Instagram snapshots remind me and at every family function I am reminded of this. They like to joke and tell me my youngest cousin will be married with kids before me. Until recently, I didn’t care. I mean, besides my frustrations listed above I have it made. I do what I want, when I want without having to check in. I travel, solo and with friends. I spend my own money on the useless things that make me feel good at that moment. I take random road trips, day trips and start hundreds of projects and never finish. I leave a trail of clothing from my bed to the bathroom and sometimes don’t pick them up for days.
But when I see couples, I get chocked up. I think I’m ready for someone in my life, a companion, someone who compliments me and vice versa. I want compromise not sacrifice, I want a best friend.
I guess in order for that to happen I have to fix all that other “important” stuff first.
I often wonder if the reason why I haven’t come across someone compatible is because life knows I’m not fully ready yet.

I don’t want to come across as crazy or suicidal, I’m definitely not. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that feels this way. I simply feel better writing it, so I can see how minimal my problems are. That they’re all capable of change.
Right now I’m not strong enough, I still crave for people’s approval, I still care what others think of me, how I’m perceived. Validation is important. But I know I have to work toward a goal using small steps. Realizing that I live a life for myself, not for anyone else. I have to make choices that lead me toward my personal achievements and goals.

Maybe I’m just a late bloomer, and my life is just beginning.
We created the concept of time. It didn’t give me life and it doesn’t make my heart beat…. so who says that I have to follow that ticking clock.

Drafted

Tears were bottling up in my eyes. I was furious. I could feel my ears getting hot and tingly. Surely I was beat red.

This was my first taste of “Anything can happen at any given time”

After my Reserve schedule, or in human terms, on-call, where I sacrificed my life for two months and practically lived in the UK part time… I was finally able to bid on my most desired flights. And so I bid. AVOID UK!

To my surprise, my first real flight schedule was pretty incredible for someone who just started on the line. Three layovers in Barcelona and a Rome! Rome was the one I was looking forward to the most. Main reason being, there lives a young lad who I haven’t seen in 11 years. And we’re suppose to be family. After arranging our mini reunion, all we were waiting for was the day to come.

And so it came.
Here’s the play-by-play.

Suitcase zipped, lunch ready, snacks packed, uniform on, shoes patiently waiting at the door. A quick last minute schedule check; happy to see familiar names on the crew. Twenty minutes later and I’m scanning my airport security pass and pushing past the heavy doors. My suitcase trails behind me.

Post briefing, we pick positions on the aircraft. I of course, due to my seniority (or lack there of) am last to pick. At this point I was ready to shut the aircraft doors and take off. This was a big step for me. I needed this moment, to once again unite our family. Nothing mattered, not even that I was left with a position I only knew about from what I read in my manual. Never actually having worked the Club Section, I was petrified. Word got around pretty quick and I had help within minutes. I relaxed. My destination was about to change and all within those same minutes. I hear the faint calls of my name. My supervisor rushes on board and by the time I had a chance to process the information I was no longer going to Rome, but to Manchester! For 48 hours!

I was being drafted!?!? But I had plans! In Rome, not Manchester! I was finally going to reunite with a cousin who I haven’t seen in over a decade! This was NOT happening.

Being introduced to the second crew, combined of 6 young girls, who have been travelling together the last few days, I immediately felt tension and I knew exactly why. They were all French, and I speak none of it. The theme of the flight was “forgetting” to speak to me in English. Most of the 6 hours, I spent alone. Even during our duties the only words exchanged were “Please pass the orange juice” or “Do you have ginger-ale on your side?”

I speak the truth when I say I have nothing against French or French people. I actually love the language and am learning it at the moment, but I managed to gather one nasty impression of the culture within this short time. No details shared, but I’m sure you’ve guessed that this was not my best flight. Actually, it was horrible. What made this whole thing even worse was that I realized Rome and Manchester had two very different climates. My suitcase was prepared for extreme heat not Alaska! All I had were sun dresses and flip flops. I was on the verge of a breakdown, everything was crumbling before my eyes. And this wasn’t even that bad. Would I be able to handle this? These last minute changes. Would I ever be prepared for this? Nope, you can never be prepared for this job. The trick is, and I learned it that day is to stay calm, take it for what it is. I signed up for this job knowing my life would be on the go. The routines were over, it was just an adjustment.

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Manchester wasn’t so bad after all. And the two days gave me time to rest and visit the city. Since I had no proper clothing and I was not going to spend my time sitting in the hotel, I had to go shopping. Primark saved my life and my wallet. While browsing I ran into a colleague of mine from my training class. Smiles and giggles erupted. In moments we were engulfing each other with hugs. She was flying out the next morning, so we decided on dinner that evening. Others who joined us, were also from my training class. All of a sudden I’d forgotten what I had felt just a few short hours ago. This IS what I was meant to do, this is what made feel complete. That at any given moment things could turn upside down, and just when you think the world is against you something amazing happens. This was my lesson. Who would have thought that from my miserable flight where I was sure I would have the worst two days of my life abroad with no familiar face around I ended up with not one, but two crews filled with those who I shared this change with.

So what did I learn? To be patient and calm. To appreciate what I was given, because not every person gets the opportunities I do. And what I thought was the end of the world for me was merely a small stepping stone. It could have been a lot worse.
But more importantly, I learned I needed to reorganize my suitcase!!